1 Week On - High's and Low's

It has been a week since I updated so I thought I would run through what has gone well this week, and what has been difficult, so here goes...

Highlights
1. Going back to work - This definately helped distract the mind from negative thoughts and certainly does make the days go quicker. I have also found that good planning has helped me personally, I like to know exactly what I am doing and when and definately benefit from spending time planning my day/week as throughly as possible.
2. Finishing my book - I finally finished reading The Amber Spyglass, after almost 2 years of picking it up, putting it down and picking it up again and I thoroughly enjoyed spending the time reading it and forgot how much I enjoy reading. I am now reading "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night" and can't put it down! I am finding if something is on my mind and I can't get on with any work at home I can pick up a book, get lost in it for half an hour or so, and then go back to my work.
3. Sending postcards with Postcrossings - I have sent 4 this week, two of which have arrived at their destinations so now I am just looking forward to which postcards I am going to receive and from where in the world.
4. Making some money - I have been looking into a couple of ways to make a bit of extra cash online through daily clicks, surveys and that sort of thing. So far I have made £10.06 since 27th October which isn't loads but I am very much a believer of looking after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves, so every little helps! Have also signed up to do some Mystery Shopping to not only make money but to get me to do other things rather than just working all the time. Had my first assignment today and really enjoyed it!! I have also started entering online competitions, between yesterday and today I have entered 33 - so fingers crossed and I will let you know if I win anything!!
5. Making plans - I think this is a very useful thing to do and the one I have found most useful this week - having things to look forward to and work towards. I made plans to go and see a friend and have dinner at hers on Wednesday, then Friday I decided to drive back home and go and see a fireworks display with some friends from Uni which I was really glad I did, it gave me something to help motivate me to work this week. We also made further plans to have a Christmas dinner in December and to go skiing in February so I also have that to look forward to now! It was really nice catching up with old friends, since I changed jobs I have felt like I have lost more friends than I have made so it is nice to spend time with the friends I do have and make plans for the future with them. I have already made more plans to have lunch with a friend on Saturday and am heading back home the weekend after next to spend time with family and hopefully see one of my best friends who is getting married - 12 days to go until I go home again!! (I am missing home a lot recently which is contributing to my depression, being away from family and not having stability in my current life, I am 90 miles away from home now which is hard).

Lowlights
1. Not being able to plan due to a lack of communication - I have had a couple of instances at work this week which have caught me out where I haven't been able to follow plans or didn't know I had to make plans and I found this really difficult to cope with this week. But I did, albeit not always as well as I could have. What I have been able to do this week though is draw a line under that bad day, say it was a bad day and put it behind me, and actually the following day was much better! (albeit the next day was a Friday and home day which helped!)
2. Falling out with a friend - I had an argument with one of my close friends over the weekend which I found really hard. I didn't feel like she understood what I am going through because she has her family around her, lots of friends at work (I used to work with her), and a social life, and I feel very isolated where I am. We fell out because she did something that I felt betrayed my friendship with her and I felt that maybe sometimes I expect too much from my friends which maybe why I can sometimes drive them away. I just feel I have moved around so much in my life that I have lost a lot of people in my life who I have considered close friends, which is part of the reason why I want to go back home, I just want to settle down for a bit now and have some stability in my life where I can really develop the friendships in my life. I feel sad that I have fallen out with my friend and that we are not talking but am hurt by what she did and just hoped she could be a little bit more understanding at the moment because she knows what I have been through and what I am going through.
3. Boys and being on my own - The thing that I am really trying to work on at the moment is doing things for me. So far this year I have had complicated 'relationships' with two guys I have really liked, and have been messed around and hurt by both of them. Guy 1 I don't speak to anymore, his choice not mine, and Guy 2 I thought things have ended with but I have heard from him today and I really don't want to go back there because I know he is just using me but I don't have anyone else and I do get lonely, particuarly being on my own so much. Guy 2 can make me feel sexy and wanted but also make me feel really sad and I don't want to feel sad anymore but am afraid I am going to be drawn back in and hurt again. I need to get used to being on my own, not having to rely on a guy to make me happy and do things for me, not for anyone else.

So that was my week. Next week is going to be a tough one and is going to require me to work harder than I did last week and really try to stay positive. I think the thing that I found most helpful this week was realising that work was not the be all and end all, and that I need to make time for myself outside of work and not feel guilty for not doing work at home all of the time.

Targets for this week are:
1. To read as much as possible of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night", if not finish it.
2. To plan to meet up with my best friend next weekend.
3. To start doing some exercise.
4. Carry on with competitions/ money making
5. To make up with my friend I feel out with.
6. To keep Guy 2 out of my mind!

I'll let you know how it goes!!!

Taking things one day at a time...

I have tried to make some plans today starting with 5 short term and 5 long term goals as follows:

Short Term Goals:
1). Finish reading "The Amber Spyglass".
2). Bake a cake
3). Arrange to go Ice Skating with friends possibly for my birthday?
4). Send 5 more postcards with Postcrossing (0/5)
5). Organise sending Christmas shoeboxes through work and send one myself (to be sent by 18/11)

Long Term Goals:
1). Arrange a holiday abroad
2). Go to a live gig
3). Run a marathon
4). Have professional photos taken
5). Raise £900 by June 2010 (So far £123.16 raised, £776.84 to go)

I have also decided to try to take more photos. Today I have taken two, one of the rain outside my bedroom window, it has been pouring for hours.

 

The other is of my candle I lit today, I love watching candles melt down and make different shapes. I quite like this photo, it is quite eerie the way you can only see the top of the candle.

 

Starting at the beginning...

Hello to everyone who is reading this blog, I hope you find it useful.

I'm just going to start with a little bit about me. I have suffered from stress and anxiety disorder and depression since I was a teenager, and after being put on anti-depressants twice and having a fair amount of counselling I didn't suffer for about two years. In recent weeks I have slowly seen my depression come back, and reluctant to go back on drugs I am trying to find ways I can use my previous experiences of beating depression and any other advice I can find to help combat this again. I am at a very crucial point in my career and feel it is suffering because of what I am experiencing outside of the workplace. I thought I would keep a record of this to maybe help others through my battle with depression.

I have began today by just searching the Internet and making a list of techniques I thought might help me. There is a lot out there, I have made a list one A4 side of lots of different techniques and intend to spend at least 30 minutes a day trying to put some of these into action. I don't have a lot of time during the week but it has got to the point where I have to make time for this, or risk cracking and then losing my career.

So tonight I have started this blog. I am now going to make myself a cup of Camomile tea and going to pick up my book I have been meaning to finish for months and months, and by doing so try to get my mind away from the negative and depressive thoughts that go through my mind.

Tomorrow I am going to get up early and take time to plan my day and week, I am the sort of person who needs to be in control and so needs plans and structure to follow. I intend to plan and prepare as much of my week in advance as possible, putting in 'me' time when I can do activities such as reading which have nothing to do with my career, I think my brain will benefit from that break, and then taking things one day at a time. My goal at the moment is to make it to Christmas, that is 7 weeks to get through, one day and one week at a time.